hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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