Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize