here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
