apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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