i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
