it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
