i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
