I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she told me i tasted like america
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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