I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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