Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
