The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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