I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
