I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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