I'm really into asian looking animals
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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