somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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