Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
