I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
