Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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