mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
