life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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