last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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