happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
