About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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