I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
