Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
