Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Randomize
