i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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