so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
