I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
