i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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