I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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