I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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