just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
