her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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