me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We have started to decorate penises.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize