I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
