I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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