I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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