i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
