just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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