ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
