Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize