I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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