Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
