"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
