Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
