If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
