I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
