Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
