Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
