I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
