I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
