Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize