i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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