Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
