Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
