life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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