his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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