You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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