My brain says no but my pants say off.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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