your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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